Off The Reservation

Random thoughts, poetry, prose ..courtesy of a drowning woman.

For Them….

Today I saw light again,

warm, new, light

I did not trust gift 

fleeting, fast, dangling

promise of a world unencumbered.

 

I saw light today, and it was new

bringing hope, and teasing my senses

awakened, remembering my place

in consciousness, the overview,

the bigger picture.

 

I felt warmth today, on my face

laughter with strangers

money exchanged, services rendered,

away from the cave, on my own

sadness settled, but not absconded.

 

I heard the call today, to make peace

with even the one that furies, no peace to give

a higher calling

small voices, tiny hands, they need me

to make the sacrifice for  much longer,

for them…

anything for them. 

Clear

Clear.

Clear

Maybe I’ve used too many words

shared too many feelings

it’s all frightening to you

words… feelings… and you only hear

your own failings.

 

Let me try something new…

I will be clear.

Maybe you will hear this…

You are mean to me

but tell me I am broken

You are not my friend

so I am taking my toys

and going home. 

 

I should have done that long ago,

but I was afraid.

I thought I deserved your mean,

I thought you might be right,

that I am awful,

that you are wonderful.

I was wrong.

I don’t like you.

You are not nice to me.

Leave me alone.

I hope this clears up any misunderstanding.

 

Wall

You are a wall of anger

unbreakable unbreachable

thick dull sad rage

ego unprecedented, relentless anger

dishonest, bullying

self loathing misdirected.

 

You..are the wall I no longer care

to climb, break, breach, soften.

You are not worth my time, breath, love

hate.

 

You are the obstacle to overcome,

the lesson to learn,

the boulder in my path

to love, enlightenment

but you are at war…with yourself

so I will bow out, and you can fight

your own battle.

May the remainder of us survive your fury.

No Place

No Place.

No Place

There’s no place like home,

there’s no place like home,

there’s no place like home.

But how do I get there?

Clicking my ruby slippers to no avail,

I can’t go home..no solice

no shelter, no past to cling, no place to run, to hide, to sleep sound,

no love to remember, no light to embrace.

It never was, so will never be….home.

Short lived the times I felt safe, warm, at peace

broken quick and hard by loneliness.

Must get love, must get approval

little girl left to her own world, own devices, own sadness

Must get love, must get approval,

wash your car, do your dishes, vacuum your carpets,

you paid me in dollars,

work, work, work,

I paid you in soul.

Was I ever the old soul so often mentioned?

Or did you steal my youth, my hope, my dreams?

Wandering the earth, the kindness of strangers

made me sad, for strangers found me so impressive.

She’s so smart! She’s so cute! This girl will go places!

Maybe you should have told them, I was a depressive, sad,

lonely, abused housewife in training.

Your program was excellent.

Maybe you should have told the truth

maybe you should have seen the truth.

You reject me now, your creation isn’t joyful, happy, full of life.

I reject you too.

There’s no place like home,

there’s no place like home,

there’s no place like home.

Yes, there is.

The hell that surrounds me,

the ugly face, disgusted looks, shame,

guilt, manipulation..I’m home.

Dough

Failing to restrain my stares,

eyes pierce her mottled flesh

and I hope she doesn’t notice

my gaze drops to those huge

vibratory arms…

 

She seems larger, sadder, less honest than usual

I see through her, see through the dough, the fear, the self

loathing, it gives you away my dear

I see you, I see you, I see you.

 

Feline, I sit poised to pounce, to bite into

the dough, scream into the dull layers of face.

Leave my pride be, you sad bag of endless flesh

broken life, broken heart, broken goodness.

No trust, no way, neck rolls to chest rolls to bosom

rolls to belly rolls and rolls and rolls of dough.

What must you stuff into your gullet to sustain that massive mountain,

heap of moist, sweating, quivering dough

that has become the carrier of you?

The you of great concern, the mask I despise.

You stutter and shake, answers elusive to the simplest

of inquiry..

I see you, I hear you, I know you

I scare you with my quickness, lightness

head cocked to side, I smell your fear,

You lie, and hide behind all of that damned dough,

and I know…..

Something happened to you,

little girl..what did they do to you?

And how did they make you feel shame?

Still hiding behind that dough, 

you are not healed

My kitten in your hands…

No, I do not trust…

Move carefully my rubbery sloven prey,

 I watch, pace, lumbering sway…

 Sinister clown smiles…your skills for survival, deceit,

won’t help you now, I smell you,

I see you, I hear you, I know you.

Welcome to the show.

 

 

Deep Shallow

Deep Shallow.

Deep Shallow

The depths of your shallowness know no end…

“me me me

what I want

what I need

you are bad.”

NO.

The depths of your disdain know no ending…

victim

spoiled

childish

manipulator

you you you

have sucked the very essence of me

into the abyss

darkness pervades the screen

I see through filthy loveless glasses now.

Thank you for that.

 

Woman scorned, crushed

dismissed and dismantled,

groping through the night,

sleep elusive, cold, damp, alone.

Two souls lost, opportunity to join rejected

opportunity to destroy accepted.

Mission accomplished.

 

The depths of your hatred know no reflection,

past mistakes forgiven of self,

binding chains of guilt, shame, control…

revoked.

You need help.”

Yes I do.

 

And you dear adversary…

what do you need?

love, compassion

self reflection?

Control, domination, win,

win, at all cost win.

Reciprocity nowhere in your agenda,

the mirror of your self loathing I stand before you, and you before me…

 but I see, am fire, scorching, blistering, screaming to be heard, seen.

 

The depths of your blindness posess no vision,

needy, entitled, vampire of warmth

sucking the last ember

until I run cold, sick, wasted.

See the mirror,

stare into the monster.

Victim becomes predator,

but I walk away. 

Parallel

In a parallel universe I am whole

lightness of being 

laughter and sun

soft hands…warm heart

In a parallel life I run free, swim deep

drinking in every drop of joy to the last sip

free from darkness by way of sheer light

free from wrath with my gift… pure love

for all I see and taste, the beauty is earth

the beauty is mine

Somewhere, in a parallel space

I am….